Tuesday, November 3, 2015

I had to tell you this but I never did and I don't anymore.

I have to tell you this
Its bad for me to pretend like everything is fine
that i dont resent you just because i dont want you to feel hurt
but hurting myself for your sake really fucked me up
and after all that happened,
 why should i hurt myself for your sake anymore????

so i have to let you know that i resent you

You fucked me up big time
you broke me and threw me away

i understand we hurt eachother-
 that we both hurt eachother and this wasnt
a one way street
that i would cause you to freak out
over shit i said or did
but untimately it wasnt irrational unfounded psychosis from my part

you see
 im tired of not being able to sleep
feeling that i was the one ultimately at fault
but truth is, that i did trust you
in fact i trusted you enough to take your word over obvious lies
so painfully obvious that it was stupid to trust you
on that couch watching the notebook
on our date, you texting your exs and your "friends"
it was FUCKING STUPID to trust you
to ever trust you
or to ever even try to

still even then,
when i had blind stupid fucked up trust, you managed to destroy it
and you kept destroying it every chance you had  to prove yourself
that you were trustworthy

you constantly lied to my face,
rationalising maybe that it was so i wouldnt "get mad"
or something like that

constatly it was something.
you hiding things from me
you flirting with your exs or whoever
Lying  lying lying lying
you just proving you shouldnt be trusted
but turning around and poiting fingers at me and being offended

like that time we were on the phone
and i asked if you cheated (i know you remember)
and you got pissed off and super offended and hung up
and i called back and i apologized
hahahahhahahahaha you HAD cheated
i was quite a pathetic fool.

but hey
You were just as possessive as me
you were always the one who got mad at me
for not replying right away
for supposedly being on fb when i wasn't even
like i was ignoring you

you needed constant reassurance that you were important
and that's probably why you ended up cheating on me
So many times
because you need to feel wanted and pretty
or maybe because youre just promiscuous by nature and like dick.

I feel disgusted to be so sure you cheated again
even after i had taken you back
just another one of those in the list of "so painfully obvious yet youll lie to my face" kind of things
denying that you even remember meeting Him at the park makes it even more obvious
like its possible for a human to not remember such a particular even
You were probably mad i said something about how you dressed that day
and that was your way of getting back at me
Denying you remember is stupid

the kind you cant wash off
the kind that doesnt go away after more than a year

Deny it, dont, Doesnt matter
ultimately youll always be the girl who cried wolf
ultimately Its all the same
nothing you say will change how i think
nor do i want it to
other than telling you that

i do resent you
for lying over and over and over
for cheating over and over
for just overall fucking me over

with no regard for my emotional well being
only your own.

You needed me though, so that didnt matter
i knew that if i took you back i could NEVER EVER FUCKING LEAVE
but you called me back as i tried to walk away
and i slipped slowly into a trance like state of denial and emotional torture
but now that i am awake and lucid i realized that i should have never
even tried to trust you

That youre just a liar.

even the day you broke up with me just proves how much of a liar you are.
how could you do it in such a cold and heartless way?
to invite me over pretending everything was fine only to dump me?????
texing me i love you and forever right before you dumped me?
just adds fuel to my understanding of your structure
of you how deep you have liar embedded into you

have fun being free, free like before i met you
free to do whatever the fuck you want and fuck with whoever you want
because that's what you always wanted

hope all my time and money and effort i spent on you
becomes a distant memory
hope it fades into NOTHING.
The happy memories are tainted by all your lies

i just hope it all fades away
and i never think of you again.
because you only makes me feel violated really
disgusting and sad.