I had to tell you this but I never did and I don't anymore.

I have to tell you this
Its bad for me to pretend like everything is fine
that i dont resent you just because i dont want you to feel hurt
but hurting myself for your sake really fucked me up
and after all that happened,
 why should i hurt myself for your sake anymore????

so i have to let you know that i resent you

You fucked me up big time
you broke me and threw me away

i understand we hurt eachother-
 that we both hurt eachother and this wasnt
a one way street
that i would cause you to freak out
over shit i said or did
but untimately it wasnt irrational unfounded psychosis from my part

you see
 im tired of not being able to sleep
feeling that i was the one ultimately at fault
but truth is, that i did trust you
in fact i trusted you enough to take your word over obvious lies
so painfully obvious that it was stupid to trust you
on that couch watching the notebook
on our date, you texting your exs and your "friends"
hahahahha
it was FUCKING STUPID to trust you
to ever trust you
or to ever even try to

still even then,
when i had blind stupid fucked up trust, you managed to destroy it
and you kept destroying it every chance you had  to prove yourself
that you were trustworthy

you constantly lied to my face,
rationalising maybe that it was so i wouldnt "get mad"
or something like that

constatly it was something.
you hiding things from me
you flirting with your exs or whoever
Lying  lying lying lying
you just proving you shouldnt be trusted
but turning around and poiting fingers at me and being offended

like that time we were on the phone
and i asked if you cheated (i know you remember)
and you got pissed off and super offended and hung up
and i called back and i apologized
hahahahhahahahaha you HAD cheated
AND I APOLOGIZED FOR OFFENDING YOU
i was quite a pathetic fool.

but hey
You were just as possessive as me
you were always the one who got mad at me
for not replying right away
for supposedly being on fb when i wasn't even
like i was ignoring you

you needed constant reassurance that you were important
and that's probably why you ended up cheating on me
So many times
because you need to feel wanted and pretty
or maybe because youre just promiscuous by nature and like dick.
whatever.

I feel disgusted to be so sure you cheated again
even after i had taken you back
just another one of those in the list of "so painfully obvious yet youll lie to my face" kind of things
denying that you even remember meeting Him at the park makes it even more obvious
like its possible for a human to not remember such a particular even
You were probably mad i said something about how you dressed that day
and that was your way of getting back at me
Denying you remember is stupid


I SLEPT WITH YOU THAT NIGHT
IT MAKES ME FEEL SO VIOLATED
SO GROSS
the kind you cant wash off
the kind that doesnt go away after more than a year

Deny it, dont, Doesnt matter
ultimately youll always be the girl who cried wolf
ultimately Its all the same
nothing you say will change how i think
nor do i want it to
other than telling you that

i do resent you
for lying over and over and over
for cheating over and over
for just overall fucking me over

with no regard for my emotional well being
only your own.

You needed me though, so that didnt matter
i knew that if i took you back i could NEVER EVER FUCKING LEAVE
but you called me back as i tried to walk away
and i slipped slowly into a trance like state of denial and emotional torture
but now that i am awake and lucid i realized that i should have never
even tried to trust you

That youre just a liar.

even the day you broke up with me just proves how much of a liar you are.
how could you do it in such a cold and heartless way?
to invite me over pretending everything was fine only to dump me?????
texing me i love you and forever right before you dumped me?
just adds fuel to my understanding of your structure
of you how deep you have liar embedded into you


have fun being free, free like before i met you
free to do whatever the fuck you want and fuck with whoever you want
because that's what you always wanted

hope all my time and money and effort i spent on you
becomes a distant memory
hope it fades into NOTHING.
The happy memories are tainted by all your lies


i just hope it all fades away
and i never think of you again.
because you only makes me feel violated really
disgusting and sad.

Non-Existence

    I violently awoke from my slumber to loud screams of agony and Pain. I was confused. A heavy atmosphere surrounded me, filling my lungs with toxic air and my heart with panic. A foul,
thick stench burned my nostrils as I inhaled and exhaled rapidly. I
jumped out of my bed in a haste. What's going on? The ambient seemed much
like the hell I had seen in so many movies and read about in so many
books. Had I died in my sleep to wake up in a realm of eternal
punishment? Smoke was pouring from under my bedroom door and I could
feel the lack of oxygen and abundance of carbon dioxide entering my
lungs and slowly killing. I tried to cover my nose with my shirt
thinking that it would make it easier to breath, but it was a lost
cause. Gasping for clean air, I ran to my door and grabbed the handle to
open it. TSHHHH! It cried as it burned my hand. I quickly jerked away
only to fall down onto the floor. I coughed violently at the air
that poured into my lungs with every breath I took. Was I gonna die
here, suffocating to death? I stood up from the ground. I tried to kick open my
bedroom door, only to fall back down again. I stood up and I tried over and over in frustration, kicking and screaming at it and suffocating until it finally flew open. A burst of flames shot in and I was ambushed by the
intoxicating aroma of melting flesh and the screams of what I could
only imagine was an agonizing death that resonated from inside that inferno. I fell
onto the floor again. In front of me stood a furious crackling fire. It
stared at me. I could feel it burning my face with its gaze as it
danced before me. Telling me that I should surrender to it. Telling
me that it would not hurt forever.

    “Come...” It conveyed to me with its dance, “I will teach you what
it's like to be non-existent.”

    I gathered all the strength that my body had left in it and stood up
for the third time. My lungs now felt like they were on fire. My
vision was so blurry I could barely see. Knowing my room as well as I
did, I ran to the back as that infernal flame slowly chased me through the ground.
I climbed on top of my bed and grabbed the lamp from my night stand. I
threw it against the window as hard as I could. SMASH! It went right
through. I stuck my head out the broken glass to see the street below. Only there was no street. There was nothing. I could only see darkness under me.
An empty abyss.

    “Come...” It conveyed to me with its infinity, “I will teach you what
it's like to be non-existent.”

    The Demon in my room had covered it all with his flames now. I stood on my bed surrounded by his fires as they danced. My mind rushing.

    “Surrender...” He conveyed to me with his dance, “I shall teach you
what it's like to be non-existent.”

    And so, without a second thought, I jumped out of my bedroom window into the abyss.

    And so I fell.

    And so I fell endlessly Into the abyss.

    And so I learned.

    And so He thought me what it is like to be non-existent.

A Taste of Madness

CHAPTER 2 

 

   I woke up in a puddle wet, cold and naked. A familiar taste of blood covered my mouth and a feeling of fear and worry struck me as I realized what was going on. It had happened again. I attempted to open my eyes, but all i could see was black! I couldn't see anything but darkness! I stared up at the sky nervously, hoping for it to slowly fade in from the complete oblivion that i was seeing. I could have been waiting for a minute or an hour or a second, It doesn't really matter, because slowly the familiar clouds of the morning sky came into view. With huge relief, I looked down to see what I was laying on...  it was a puddle of fucking blood. A puddle of fucking blood. "Oh god," I thought  to myself, "Was this my own blood? Was I bleeding out dying?"
 I stood up as quickly as i could to check myself for any mortal wounds I might have suffered during the episode. I couldn't find any. None whatsoever. I was completely injury free...

I looked down into the bloody mess again. It was a pile of miscellaneous guts. What looked like organs and chunks of flesh tainted a large patch of grass dark red. "Fuck!" I thought, "What the fuck is it?" A wild animal?" The aberrant puddle had a trail of blood leading into the woods that surrounded me, as if whoever had done this dragged the guts out from somewhere inside the spooky forest. I was so mesmerized by it's brutality, I couldn't help following it. It zigzagged across the grass into the wilderness, emanating a repulsive stench that send shivers down my spine. The trail seemed to be endless and turned thinner and thicker following no logical order, as if whoever had made it had no idea of where they were going. As if whoever had done it had no idea of where they were.

    I must have followed it for hours or maybe days or maybe just seconds, I don't even know, but the trail led to a huge puddle of blood somewhere deep inside the wilderness. There was dead trees all around there and the ground was so dry and the air was so dense. It the middle of the tiny bloody stinky lake stood a tall skinny tree all death and branches. It's roots were going out and into the puddle as if it was feeding off of it. Flies and other disgusting insects flew around the puddle enjoying the terrible stench and bathing in the bodily fluids. How long could this have been here for? It smelled so terrible but looked so fresh. I slowly moved closer and closer to get  a better look. I noticed there was something inside, something under the insect and flies. I looked closer and closer as I broke off a long branch from the tree and poked at the puddle and mixed it around with the stick. The bugs all scattered away in a hurry and uncovered something beautifully grotesque. A fucking human skeleton! The skeleton of a man or woman all clean from flesh real horrowshow. It's bones were like ivory. Like beautiful shinny ivory covered in Lucius liquid rubies... I stood there staring mesmerized by the brutality of it's beauty. My legs began to shake and my head to ache. A sudden feeling of horror overcame me. I stood up as quickly as I could and my vision started to fade away. Sudden impenetrable darkness covered my eyes and a feeling of euphoria reigned my soul. I had never felt so much happiness in my entire life! It was so intense I couldn't breathe right. It made my heart warm! I could have been in that state of orgasmic blindness for hour or days or minutes or second, I don't remember at all. but after whatever time it was my vision started to come back and my skin started to get all tingly and goosebumpy and cold. I stood there for a while as my vision became clearer, wondering why the feeling of euphoria had left me feeling so empty. Why did it have to leave me feeling so empty? Why couldn't it have stayed to keep me company forever? WHY?

    With my vision now completely clear, I looked up into the spooky tree that stood in front of me. Something caught my attention instantly, something hanging from one of it's dead, leafless branches. Something that looked dirty and used and old. Something that waved around in the wind slowly dripping blood. Something with the sun shinning brightly behind it keeping me from seeing what it was. Without moving my eyes from the mysterious something, I walked around to get a better look. The thing waved like a plastic bag in the wind. What the fuck was it? As soon as my eyes became accustomed to the light and I could finally see it... It was skin. Human fucking skin. Skin from a whole human body all in one piece. Skin with blonde hair coming off of the head and tiny fingers waving around from it's floppy arms with the wind. Skin so perfectly cut out that it could have been worn. It’s face had holes where the eyes should be. It's mouth was just a big gaping hole. It waved around like a flag in the wind to remind me that I was fucked up in the head.

    "Why?" it whispered in a very familiar voice.

    "W-what?" I managed to blurt out through my raspy throat in terror.

    "Why did you do this to me? All I ever did was help you, Derek. Why did you torture me? Why did you kill me?" the familiar voice said again as that gaping hole of a mouth waved about.

    "M-M-M-Mrs. Juliet??" I managed to whisper.

    "You filthy piece of shit, you thug. You are everything that is wrong with the world. Your mother must be so disappointed in herself for raising such a terrible person. You are a bad person, such a bad person." Mrs. Juliet's skin said in a tired, old, depressed voice.

 

   "Y-You don't understand... I-I-I didn't mean to, it wasn't me." I attempted to explain to her, but I couldn't stop shaking in place, my voice wouldn't stop stuttering. My knees were weak and I had a terrible headache pounding inside my head making me wanna scream and pull my hair off and die.

   "YOU ARE A MURDERER, A PSYCHOPATH! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! YOU TUG!" the sack of skin screeched in a demonic howl.


   "I-I-I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I swear, it wasn't me! I would have never done anything like this." My head was about to explode! It was pounding so hard that I collapsed on the ground. It was like the blood in my brain was boiling violently. I twitched as I put my head between my hands and pulled at my hair and screamed at the top of my lungs.
    
    "STOP!!!! STOP!" I yelled over and over for what could have been an day or an hour or a minute or a second. I could feel my throat burn and sting from screaming but I couldn't stop. It wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop. Everything was so dark. My head was going to explode, but nothing made any sense. None of it made any sense. I didn't fucking get it. I couldn't fucking understand. Why wouldn't it make sense? I didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense. Why didn't I get it? It didn't make any sense... Was it not for me to understand?!?

   “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCKKKK YOU!!!!!!” I yelled!

A Taste Of Madness.

Chapter One

    It happened again today, it had left me alone for a couple of months now, but it finally came again. I fucking hate it so much.

    I woke up completely beat up and in the middle of the woods. My head hurt. It was covered in bruises from what must have been me pulling my own hair. My lips were ruptured and I could taste my own blood. My nails were broken into sharp pointy claws with bits of my skin stuck under them. I was covered with sweat, blood and hair. I really hoped it was all my own. The heels of my feet hurt and so did my throat. I must have been screaming a great deal during this episode. My shoes were nowhere to be found... Walking all the way home barefoot and cold from the woods with all those little twigs poking at my feet was gonna be a fucking pain. I couldn't stand up straight because my back hurt so bad, mostly around the back of my neck. I had no idea where the fuck I was, but there was a very obvious path of destruction (mostly dirt that was kicked away, broken branches, mud and blood) that would probably lead me to a road. I figured I could get home from there.

    Walking about a mile following whatever clues I had left, I found one of my shoes. Around that area there were several very deep footprints that were most likely from me violently stomping my feet against the ground over and over and over. That would explain the bruises I had on my heels. After about 3 hours of walking I ultimately found a highway. Exhausted and dying of thirst, I figured the best thing I could do was wait for someone who would pick up a bloody hitchhiker. After 10 cars passed by without stopping and one asshole throwing a bottle of beer at me, I finally managed to catch a ride from a very older looking woman. When she asked me what had happened I told her I had been robbed and beaten by a bunch of lowlife thugs. She believed me. I felt bad for lying to that nice old lady who was willing to drive me all the way home and wouldn't accept any money for it. She insisted on taking me to the hospital, but I told her I was okay and all I wanted was to go home. She understood. It was an hour drive to my house. She talked about her husband most of the ride home. Something made me suspect him deceased, but she never did mention it and I never dared ask.

    "Thanks for the ride, Miss Juliet. I would have probably died out there without your help." I told her as I got out of the car and waved goodbye.

    "You're very welcome!" she said with her sweet old lady voice that sounded so angelic to me. "By the way, young man, what is your name?"

    "My name is Derek, Derek Allison." I replied with a smile.

    "That is a very lovely name, Derek. It is very nice to formally meet you. I'm very sorry about what happened. You know, my grandson is a lawyer and he'd be more than happy to help you with filling out a police repo-..."

    "That won't be necessary, Miss Juliet," I interrupted her, "but thanks a lot for all your help. I really must be going now, though. Thanks a lot for everything! Really, thank you!"

    "It was really no problem, I'm very glad I could help you out after what occurred. This generation of thugs that do such violent acts for no apparent reason make me very depressed, after all, it was the sons and daughters of our generation that raised them, I'm glad my Grandsons didn't choose such a vile way of life, they're very poli-..."

    "I really must be going now, Ma'am," I interrupted her once more, "I have wounds to tend to." Feeling bad for not wanting to listen to her after all she had done for me, I slowly started to walk away.

    "Of course, of course! Goodbye, Derek, take care!" she said as she drove away and waved her bony little wrinkled hand goodbye.

    "Goodbye!" I managed to babble as she left, doubting that she actually heard me.

    I walked over to my front door and got my key from under bush that was next to my window. I had put a spare key there ever since this fucked up shit started happening to me. I had forgotten it was even there. Opening my door, I was surprised to find my house completely spotless. I continued to investigate, and everything seemed to be in order. I walked over into my bathroom to look at my face and see If It needed any stitches. The mirror was smashed into pieces. What the fuck? That was a first. I walked into my bedroom to look at myself on my dresser mirror but that one was smashed in as well.

    As I stared at the image of my wounded fragmented reflection hiding behind the pieces of that broken  dresser mirror a feeling of helplessness overcame me. I stared long and hard.

    "Why do you do this to me?" I said to my reflection, "Why are you back? What the fuck did I do to you? Huh? I know you can hear me you piece of shit. I know you're there. Why don't you come out and face me? Huh? Hiding behind my own fucking consciousness, you're such a coward. Breaking the mirrors so you don't have to look at yourself. Are you afraid of my face? You are, aren't you? A Fucking coward, that's what you are."

    Only silence followed my words. Fucking empty silence.

    "I'm such a mess..." I whispered to myself. Everything hurt and my clothes were still soaking wet from my sweat and blood, "Shower... I need a shower."

Black Gold

A black gold
Divining our fortune in statics.
With its numbers cutting throats
To appease their hunger for power.


Burning with supremacy!
They sing of fear to keep us safe
And so the weak,
Fueling their desires and defending their dreams in meaningless fights,
Fight.
Yet, they are proud of being hunted by guilty, prying eyes.

A black gold
Dividing our world
Making quotients for us convenient,
To Appease their hunger for power.

Boiling with vengeance!
They yell of blood to save themselves.
And so their weak,
Burning with rage and defending their visions in glorious battles,
Die.
Yet, they are shameless of being hunted by proud, vicious scopes.

A black gold.
Dooming our future,
Shaming our children.
Yet satisfying our hunger for power.

You're Too Gentle

She likes to be used
She likes to be abused
You're too gentle now
You're too gentle...

PAINN
She craves
PAINN
SHE CRAVES!
PAINNN
SHE CRAVES!!

She wants to be told
what to do.
She wants to be owned
and used and abused and refused...

She craves to be bruised

and misused and perused and accused!

YOU'RE TOO GENTLE NOW
YOU'RE TOO GENTLE NOW
YOU'RE TOO GENTLE

She craves thorns
not roses.

She wants....
SCARS!!

PAINN
SHE CRAVES
PAINNNN
SHE CRAVES
PAINNNN!!!
SHE CRAVES!


YOU'RE TOO GENTLE NOW

YOU'VE BEEN DISAVOWED

YOU'RE TOO WEAK

SHE'S MINE NOW!

Dear Death,

Come death,
Death my dear,
Come take me away from this never ending darkness.
Come death,
My only passion.
I've been waiting for you my entire life.
Every dream,
Every breath I take is in anticipation of your arrival.
Why death,
Why have you made me wait for so long?
Come to me now,
Free me,
Let me escape this mortal shell that has been a prison to my spirit since the day of my birth.
Death,
Take me away with you,
Take me to a place of oblivion!
Death,
My love,
Come whisper in my ear,
Elucidate to me the significance of all of life's riddles.
Death,
Death my dear,
Come erase me from here.
Come save me from this never ending darkness.
Why Death,
My friend,
Why do you keep me waiting for so long?
Death,
My savior,
Walk along with me through your valleys,
Guide me through your kingdom
Into the waters of Lethe!
Death,
I beg of you,
My dear Death,
Please,
Take me with you!